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Nutta’s rugby positions revisited: Flanker

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Nutta’s rugby positions revisited: Flanker


Hi Cobbers,

And so the revisionist journey of rugby positions, and the people who stereotypically inhabit them, continues… This time we contemplate the numbers 6 & 7.

Originally called Wing-Forwards, the inhabitants of Jerseys 6 & 7 developed a complex about being name spouses with Backs. And so they approached the Rugby Illuminati and fussed over a name change (Hansard includes phrases like “Degenerate fairies” as being overused). Everyone finally agreed, but only because Wing-Forward was nothing. This is why they are now called Flankers.

Flankers are interesting because they are such a contradiction. Flankers will tell you that they are essential. They’ll become lyrical about the mind-boggling breadth of skills they seemingly need to have to perform their roles properly. Seriously, if you get past false humility and listen to their description of what they claim to be doing, then you might be forgiven if you thought they were something between Darth Maul and Black Panther and responsible for keeping the gates of Hades closed. himself. However, the facts are always different from the reality. And it shows best when, whenever someone important from a distance gets a yellow or red card, the person immediately put on the bench for a replacement is a Flanker. I mean, they’re so blatantly redundant that even a Flankers’ scrum role is seen to be satisfactorily filled by a spare winger. What is this illustrious facta non-verba? It seems to me that he protests too much. And before the howls of protest erupt in terms of demonstrated skills, well, let’s think for a moment about the masterful displays of WFlankerism by Lote Tuqiri and Kurtley Beale (two exhibitors of notable acclaim)… so you figure it out.

There are generally two main types of Flanker; the Boyish Enthusiast and the Psychotic Stranger. And while one doesn’t drink and the other drinks enough for both, they both tend to completely choke 25 hours a day, 8 days a week. So neither of us are particularly good company for us more straightforward guys. There is a booming 3rd type of Flanker to recognize; the mad puritan preacher. But they are still relatively rare and completely outside even two standard deviations from the norm. They are therefore beyond reason. I tend to include them in the psychotic strangers group and leave it at that.

The Boyish Enthusiast lives with his girlfriend Brittany. No one has ever seen Brittany in the flesh because she does her bikini photoshoots on Insta on Saturdays (well, guys saw her in real life… just not live. Well, they did. live view too I guess. Look, you know what I mean okay? She never shows up). He takes Pump lessons with Brittany every weekday mornings before cycling to his molecular biology conference, then races into a mini-triathlon before soccer training. While consuming copious scoops of protein. As a result, these guys are usually synonymous with a nut-stuffed condom – all bulbous, with shiny, slightly oily surfaces, a little gooey to the touch, and a slightly off-putting smell. And their pub-chat, filled with super helpful suggestions on super-set technique in the gym and up-to-date on your food choices, while you’re 4 schooys and double-parked on a rum while mi pub- Schnitty, is also about as well received as a condom stuffed with nuts.

Alternatively, the Psychotic Stranger is just that – a dodgy, backpacking, perpetually broken weirdo with a crazed twitch in his eye and always looks like he’s about 3 seconds away from someone. But his conversation about going to Burning Man and Cage Fighting in Bolivia is at least interesting. And no matter where in the world you go, the really creepy versions have a slightly indeterminate accent elsewhere, which makes you realize they’re probably serial airport deportees. Note that he will be perpetually accompanied by Skylar, the twirling and fearsome girlfriend he found in an Amsterdam hostel. She seems to own nothing but brightly colored hemp skirts (bought by the roadside in Ecuador apparently) and little linen crop tops (probably from Malta).

Physically, little Flankers will tell you that the key to their game is technique, while great Flankers say it’s all in the physique (the “bash”). But to their credit, both guys will be super fit and enthusiastically poke their heads in places few others would dare. Although, exactly Why they have such limitless energy and their fearlessness is probably more due to the numbing aftereffects of last night’s Disco Bikkies than to anything else. And while every coach loves a big unit, in the reality of the club field, flankers that have to be hoisted onto bar stools are quite common as the grown ups migrate to Lock.

In terms of playstyle, NuZuland and the Wobblies typically play “Open” and “Blind” Flankers. This is not a reflection of sexual orientation, deformity, or sexual preference, but rather a deliberately vague and illusory reference to a mystical ideal called ‘race lines’ and’ angles. entry point ”that no one has even fully defined, let alone understood, or ever really put into practice.

Comparatively, South Africa and England prefer a much less complicated Bananas-in-Pajamas, B1 & B2 approach. They make no pretense of “race lines” or “entry angles”, as everyone just accepts that programming the Terminator T1000s with their glitchy AI is still in its infancy. They just have a “Find and Destroy” feature preinstalled and flip the switch to “On” and then let them go. Then they sit down and watch them just charge up to crash into things, all the while calling it ‘good game’.

All other nations have yet to decide on the Open / Blind preference over Terminator. They still haven’t figured out what the Flankers are really doing.

It should be noted that a Flankers jersey is perfect for those who are terrified of responsibility. This helps explain why adult Flankers are usually accountants, consultants, politicians, or middle managers in real life. There’s not a single thing they’re really responsible for in a game, other than shooting opposing Fly-Halves cheaply after passing the ball. And most of them can’t even do well. This explains why the Hooker often mumbles about them.

Flankers will make presumably well-intentioned attempts to infer a goal from their presence by applying copious amounts of duct tape to their thighs and head. However, that doesn’t work either as Flankers rarely jump in lineups, seem genetically ill-equipped to lift lineups, and they never push in scrums. Some coaches see the Flankers as defensive midfield and cover weapons. But then again, that doesn’t help, given that each full-back is supposedly covering their opponent (otherwise what’s the point), so the Flankers have a plausible deniability when it comes to missing those tackles as well. .

This confusion with task and function even at the highest levels means that any time the Flankers accomplish anything, like not being penalized for breaking down or successfully picking up a ball that someone else has dropped. , the team of commentators instantly try to justify their existence by hailing them as GOAT geniuses. And everyone nods wisely about the wisdom of their “race lines” and “entry angles”. This then serves as proof that gravity is working as such a justification for the light of the gas descends towards the club ground. This is the real “Emperor’s New Clothes” thing.

However, the Flankers seemingly have a bottomless knowledge of the stopped pieces. And they feel obligated to inflict share such pearls with accessories and locks. Accessories and locks love it. Locks particularly appreciate the principles of goal-keeping which are clearly displayed, as the advice comes from someone who is perpetually standing beside the scrum machine or outside the roster structure, at the back of the line. search for a wide crash ball, so intentionally took no part in the said set-piece practice.

And from the Flankers’ point of view, this is all just great because once selected, no coach will let them down, no matter how much of a muppet they are, just in case they are psychotic type (plus that means he can’t perv to Skylar so much anymore).

Inspiration: Crash Bandicoot, Stephen the Irishman (Braveheart), Darth Maul and Inigo Montoya

Drink: Protein shakes for nut types and Absinthe for nuts. But they will share vegan disco bikkies among themselves.

Politics: Considering that they fall somewhere between the merry, committed tap dance or the secret members of the IRA (not really a big difference), they are probably anarchist environmental Ravers.

Currency: ‘Only fools get Brand scared.’

#positionsrugbyrevisited


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